Is there such a thing as the ‘right’ man? A woman with a ticking clock speaks out

23 Jan

Taking a break from my search for delicacies and exotic coffees in the bay area, I feel compelled to speak to you today on something a little more personal:

Is there such a thing as the ‘right‘ man?

I read an article this morning in the Wall Street Journal entitled “The Right Man is Getting Harder to Find“.  It described a woman, much like myself, with a career that isn’t her world but does, in some way, define her… athletic… college educated… an overwhelming desire to be a mother… and without a mate.

Let’s start with the basic fact: no two people are alike.  It is impossible to find someone just like you, and if you could in a fantasy world, would you really want a carbon copy of yourself?  Diversity is appealing and can create a balance between people, or at least that is my belief.  For example, if you only like certain foods and you meet someone that has a love for diverse cuisine, you may branch out and broaden your palette.  Or, maybe you spend most of your time indoors and your partner encourages you to try tennis or hiking, allowing you to discover a side of yourself that you never knew before.  This type of diversity is invigorating, new and necessary.

But, what about those types of diversity that are deal breakers or, at the very least, problematic?

Do we have kids or not have kids?

I am an educated individual, and I feel that I need someone who is my intellectual equal.

A balance between family and work is important to me.

I must be an individual with someone who compliments me but doesn’t define me.

The Wall Street Journal article focuses on a woman from Kansas City, my age, who is career oriented and passionate about life.  She has always known that motherhood was her destiny, yet she finds herself with one small problem: no husband to share her passion and life with.  For some reason men are bothered by her independence, her success, and quite frankly everyone she meets seems to be less intellectual and rather boring.

What to do?  Do you hold out for the ‘right’ man, believing that time will bring the two of you together?  Do you let go of the anxious feelings that are ever encompassing, telling you that your maternal clock is ticking and just let destiny take over?  Or, do you put yourself out there, in multiple situations, hoping that each one will bring you the answers you seek?

This is a dilemma that many women, professional women, find themselves in every day.  Is there such a thing as the ‘right’ man?  Maybe, maybe not.  I must admit that I have tried and failed at marriage; loving someone can sometimes blind you to the deal breakers that lie under the surface, waiting to explode at just the right moment.  Don’t get me wrong; I do not regret the paths I have chosen.  They have made me who I am and for that I am extremely grateful.  However, I find myself in the same shoes as Rachel Downtain: no prospect and wanting to be a mother.  with a ticking clock.

The article states that there has been an increase of births among college educated single women of 145% since the early 80’s.  I do believe more women are taking the initiative to follow their dreams of being a mother, even in the absence of a partner which is believed to be the acceptable or social norm.  It is an admirable quality, maybe to some a crazy, neurotic decision.  To someone like me, who has always carried that maternal instinct, it doesn’t sound so crazy.

So, should women settle by 35?  Should they choose someone just to choose someone?  Or, as Rachel states in the article, our vision or dream of what the future will be almost always turns out to be a bit different…

“Going the sperm-bank method is definitely not my first choice, but I am not willing to give up my dream of having a child just because I can’t find Mr. Right. I am having to realize that my fairy tale dream may just be inverted a bit . . . I may have the child before finding Mr. Right.”  -Rachel Downtain, WSJ

So, to all you single ladies with independent personalities and are driven by your career and individualism, what do you think?  Is this the century of redefining relationships?  Are women ready to stand their ground and accept someone in their lives that is an equal in all necessary ways?  Will it become socially acceptable to be an unmarried mother by choice?  Does it really matter what society thinks?


4 Responses to “Is there such a thing as the ‘right’ man? A woman with a ticking clock speaks out”

  1. Nazanine January 24, 2010 at 2:40 am #

    Interesting..maybe I’m not the best person to comment on this subject due to the fact even though I’m single, never been married but I believe in the fairy tale. Woman meets man, they fall in love, and then have a family:) Or maybe I’m the best person to write on this subject since in fact I am a single, educated, career driven woman in her middle 30’s. But I never have felt that “clock” ticking..I rather wait and see what my future holds for me. I think if I’m meant to be a mother then it will happen. Who knows what life has in store but I know I’m exactly where I’m suppose to be with or without a child. As I get older and wiser I have realized to not try and control my destiney but rather follow the path that is set for me today. Would I be a great mother? Would I be able to transition my lifestyle to one of a selfless and caring woman who is devoted to her child and would put my own needs aside? I don’t know but I shall find out soon enough.

  2. Bryan Gira February 2, 2010 at 6:01 pm #

    Being a guy, I’m assuredly the last person that should comment here, so of course I’m going to. Yes, I’m intelligent enough to form a sentence but too ignorant to know when to shut up, therefore I must speak my mind.

    Life is full of unanswered questions and without those, life would truly be boring. It’s the unexpected that keeps things interesting and propels us forward into situations unknown. Just imagine how many things we’d miss out on had we already known the “correct” path to take rather than experiencing the “wrong” path.

    I have a feeling that as your “clock” ticks away in the background, you’ll begin to figure out what you truly want and what you desire most out of life. Our past experiences help to guide us but without the unknowns of the future, we would never be happy with our choices anyway.

    I seriously doubt you would ever let “society” tell you what to do so instead, just follow your heart and let that be your guide. This will allow you to live your life, on your terms and without regrets. I have no doubt you’ll get it all figured out, with plenty of time to spare.

  3. Joerg February 3, 2010 at 7:55 am #

    Unfortunately I’m also a guy and will also answer:

    It doesn’t matter what society thinks. If we would not have people doing thing a little bit different than society we would have no chance to be innovative and to change society and to keep it living due to this.

    And yes, we do need new definitions of relationsships in our 21st century. Being married and have children is (only) one alternative to live … but there are lots more!

  4. Jared March 10, 2010 at 3:15 pm #

    I empathize with you, and care for people like you. Hence I say that there is a price for freedom or independence. Many of us grew up conditioned into thinking that we must love our individual freedoms. Love freedom over anything else. We were not told the price we’d pay for it.

    If you simply go with the crowd, you’ll be happier but also duller. Presumably you decided to follow your own path. Your own path, is your own and by definition lonely. So there you are.. There’s no easy way. If you want to continue to follow it, it will continue to be lonely.

    If we want to make your path intersect with others’, then we will need to adopt some of what others are doing. Then we get that much closer to following other people’s paths.

    In other words, we may be too intellectual and freedom-loving for our own good. There needs to be a balance, and we have gone too far into the freedom-loving side. The proof is in the pudding.

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